Ground Into Dust
by LouiseKurylo
Summary: Lisbon argued with Jane and ignored his advice. After being tasered and marked with the Red John symbol, she reflects on what she should do going forward.


**...Ground Into Dust**

Who: Lisbon

What: Reflections after she was tasered and marked by Red John at the abandoned house

When: Just after "Red Winged Blackbird"

Where: Lisbon's home'

Why: Lisbon has to rethink her actions

Disclaimer: The author owns nothing involving The Mentalist show, characters, plots, scripts, etc.

* * *

Scared by Jane's indecisiveness, Lisbon ignored him and could have been killed by Red John. Lisbon thinks reflects on her actions and decides what she needs to do differently.

* * *

Lisbon sat bolt upright in bed, breathing in quick gasps, heart pounding. Her clock glowed dimly, showing 3:12 am. She clicked on the lamp and looked around, reassured by the utterly ordinary bedroom surroundings. After walking to the bathroom and splashing cold water on her face, she dressed and went to the kitchen for coffee, knowing sleep was over for the night.

_It's two weeks since Red John caught me and left his mark on my face after killing Partridge. He _could_ have killed me, but didn't. Why do I keep having the nightmare I had in the hospital? Everyone slaughtered, CBI awash in blood, and Red John's mark everywhere! Gotta get a handle on this._

Lisbon took her coffee and sank into a chair in the dark living room. Her pulse and breathing slowed to normal.

_I need to start at the beginning, from when Jane played Red John's disk. What do I know? That disk showed Red John knew Jane's seven suspects _two months_ before Jane finished his list. Still don't know how he knew. Red John will start killing again, often. And Red John now is hunting us–or at least Jane._

_ Scary, sure. But why am I so spooked?_

_ Well, a horribly successful serial killer is hunting us. I wish my nightmare was baseless, but some or all of us definitely could end up dead. I'm especially scared for Jane. Red John left him alone all these years–enjoying the cat-and-mouse? But now Jane is his prime target, the __strategic__ target! Jane's the only one smart enough to be a threat._

_ Many of the suspects are law-enforcement–CBI, FBI, Homeland Security, and a local PD. Even my boss Bertram is a suspect! Being paranoid is necessary. Trust only the five of us._

_ Jane dismisses it, but I wonder if Red John is psychic. How does he forever keep ahead of us, especially Jane? Jane called it a trick for Red John to know the suspects months ago but it bothers me he doesn't know __how__ Red John figured it out! I have no choice but to follow Jane's lead. And does it make any difference if Red John __is__ psychic? It's still our duty to go after him even if he is personally hunting us, too._

_ So what happened? We watched Red John's disk. Jane was stunned Red John knew his seven suspects months ago. Jane asked for time to think about our hardest case. But, no, I forced him to work on two ordinary cases for the sake of appearances. -God, that's just the kind of thing a Bertram or a Wainwright would do. I should be proud._

Disgusted with herself, Lisbon got more coffee and returned to the living room.

_Jane told me his list of suspects and told me not to tell anyone. I suggested bugging the suspects' phones but he flatly refused. I should have forced him to hash it out with me. Instead, I went around him–weak and dishonest. That runs rough-shod over Jane's absolutes, too–manipulating and lying to him. He was upset I had Grace bug their phones. I thought he was being arrogant. That wasn't arrogance, it was dismay and fear. Jane was __scared__ because I put Grace at risk. Then, Grace told Rigsby who told Cho–the whole team. That's the horror of my nightmare–the whole team slaughtered and it would be my fault._

_ Did I like Jane saying I was out of my depth? No. But, damn it, he wasn't putting me down he was telling the truth. I get pissed when guys, mostly, expect me to downplay my success as a cop to spare their egos. Well, that cuts two ways. Jane __is__ smarter. A _lot_ smarter. __I'm__ arrogant if I expect him to deny his abilities, especially in the heat of an argument. God, he must get sick of constantly dialing it back to spare others the embarrassment. _

_ Proof? I did exactly what he was afraid of, what he predicted. Red John used the phone traces to lead me into a trap. What was I thinking, going after a Red John suspect in a dark, abandoned house without back-up? That's the kind of mistake that gets _rookies_ killed!_

_ I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm scared partly because Jane doesn't have all the answers this time. He's a security blanket. As long as Jane is confident, everyone can sit back and let him figure it out. As soon as he doesn't immediately have the answer on our hardest case, I freak out and do something stupid. I've been annoyed for years at Jane's know-it-all front. I should be careful what I ask for. He's finally letting me in, letting me see he has doubts and now I'm upset. As though he doesn't put enough pressure on himself. __Great__._

_ I looked at Jane, really _saw_ him, last week. The Red John case is slowly grinding him into dust. He doesn't smile much anymore. The light, playful side of him that delighted in life has been worn down by nine grim years on this case._

_ Jane's been part of the team so long I kinda forget he doesn't come to law enforcement as a calling. He's here because of the murder of his family, after a breakdown so serious it nearly killed him. Jane once said his choice was between revenge and death. He feels he __has__ to hunt Red John, but I know the gore and sadness of homicide cases don't sit well with him. He doesn't have a personal life, doesn't take vacations._

_ And it's gotten worse. Killing Carter and later realizing Carter wasn't Red John. Spending six months alone in Vegas setting a trap for Red John and then the FBI messes it up and takes Martins. Hell, he's not only fighting Red John he's fighting the FBI, Homeland, and the CBI brass as well. Risking his life to break her out of prison. Fighting with me about Martnis only to have her screw him over by not revealing Red John's name after Jane __proved__ Red John killed her sister. Now Red John somehow knows Jane's Eileen Barlow memory and list of suspects. Unsettling. Disheartening. And last week Red John killed Sophie Miller–another personal loss. I can't get a nightmare out of my head. Jane's been living the nightmare of his family's slaughter for ten years!_

_ What do I do? First, I have to assume we're all in danger. I'm going to do everything I can to protect us. Our team _must_ work two or more–including Jane, no matter how much he bridles at that. Jane reads people best one-on-one but that's too dangerous now that Red John's hunting him. Also, I should assume there are leaks. We need to be extraordinarily careful if something has to be kept secret. And I need to remind everyone they're in danger 24-7-not just at work._

_ Next, I damn well better accept that Jane isn't my personal security blanket. He may not have all the answers, but he's the best bet we have to get through this. I need to __help__ him, not add to the pressure._

_ And finally, I'm gonna give Jane as much running room as possible, screw the rules. This is literally life and death. If Jane is secretive in hunting Red John, well, I don't have to know everything. It could have cost me my life when I went around him and had Grace bug the phones. I'd better listen when he feels something is dangerous because he's more likely right. The only boundary I have to enforce is the safety of others. Some of his suspects are probably innocent and Jane can't just use them as bait._

_ If we get through this alive, Jane may or may not stay with CBI. Maybe we won't ever get together. That would be sad, but not as sad as if people on my team get killed. Jane looked shaken when I woke up in the hospital after the attack. After nine years, Jane is close to everyone on the team. I have to remember we're vulnerabilities for him. Jane barely recovered from the murder of his family. I don't think he could recover again if someone close is killed, especially if he felt responsible. I need to defer to Jane on Red John unless I have a compelling reason to do otherwise. I'm going to talk through everything from here on. I sure as hell won't keep him in the dark to avoid arguing. _

_ And the nightmare? Screw it! It's a useful reminder._


End file.
